Monday, May 9, 2016

The Dreams of Tex

Just something silly I wrote several years ago and discovered again!

Behold, every night Tex dreamed that he was Joseph. And his brother Daniel threw him in the lion’s den. He then got Nebuchadnezzar to get him out. Thereafter he slayed Goliath by heaping hot coals of fire on his head. Thereafter, thereafter, he sashayed down the road and met King Saul. King Saul hurled a spear at him, so Tex built an alter and poured water on it. Then fire burned down from heaven and devoured a golden calf. He took the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai and sealed the ark with them. He led two of every kind of animal to the river and watched Naman get healed. After that King Herod flung him into a fiery furnace and Tex emerged with Haman and Queen Esther. He sliced a piece off of King Ahasuerus's robe when the king went into a cave.

Finally he crossed the Red Sea by walking on the water and climbed back into the ark. He floated onto the lake of Galilee and took a coin out of a fishes mouth. He ate two fishes and with a ravenous appetite he demolished many sandwiches for lunch and when he picked up the leftovers he had twelve baskets. He saw a tree wither up, and he ate a mustard seed off it. Then he saw a ghost on the lake and walked on water again. He fell asleep in the boat and a storm woke him up. He walked back to shore and prayed, then he took a bath in a bubbling pool. He met a Roman soldier and carried his pack for two miles.

He caught fish in a net on one side of the boat, then he was told to put it on the other side and he would catch more fish, so he did, but then the net sank because it had little faith. He went to find a large crowd of people and threw queen Jezebel out a window onto a mat. She picked up her mat and carried it. She went down the road with her donkey and thieves came out of the rocks to beat her up. But the Good Samaritan paid them money to take care of her at the inn. Tex married an old woman who was 99 and three angels came and told him his nephew would get burned up in sulfur raining down from above. Tex had a son and he put him on an alter. 

But then a ram came out and butted him. But then it turned into gold and sp he ground it up and made people drink it. He knew he would never get to the promised land, so he went to Sodom and saw someone get turned into a pillar of salt. So he grew his hair long and used all his strength to push the pillar down. A faux fox named Delilah cut his hair off and he tied a torch to its tail and burned down the Philistine's fields. Then Tex took off his cloak and whipped the water furiously. A chariot of fire came up and called him an old bald-head, but bears came out of the woods and ate it all up. 

 He did not like to be called that because he was not old, wherefore, he went to a cave and took hay out of the manger to put on his head, and the baby inside started crying so he went outside and found a large star in the sky and gave it to the baby as a gift. Along the way, he met some wise men guarding sheep.

Then he went and got baptized in the Nile by John the Baptist, but the Pharisees were angry at him and sent soldiers to kill every baby boy under two years old. So he went down to Egypt to escape and turned the water into blood and ate frogs. The Pharaoh was really upset then so Tex gave him some grasshoppers for lunch. The Pharaoh told him to made bricks, and gather straw, but Tex climbed a pyramid and brought down five smooth stones. He helped the children of Israel gather manna, and then he threw a huge party and refused to give any to David and his men. Because he was so horrid his wife Abigail gave his food to David. 



  1. This guy has one exciting life! He must have been a time traveler.

    1. His time machine seems to have messed up history a bit though... :p

    2. Indeed! Good thing Tex doesn't actually have a time machine ;)

    3. Yes! That would be so crazy. :D